Welcome to Delicious or Distressing, where we rate recent food memes, videos, and other decidedly unserious news. Last week, we debunked Andrew Tate’s arrest by pizza box in Romania.
In a word, this week was about one thing: overcompensating. To start: Notorious perpetrator of female censorship and active slut-shamer, M&M, launched an “all-female” package (including Green, slut shame-ee) and called it feminism. Overcompensating. Perennial headliner of this very column, Ben Affleck, was caught unfaithfully canoodling with Starbucks just last month; in repentance, he literally worked the drive-thru window at a local Dunkin’ to prove, or at least perform, his coffee loyalties. Overcompensating.
While we’re on the topic of coffee, it’s only right that we pour one out for the newly coffee-less among us: New York’s Goldman Sachs employees. Caffeine at the bank is free no longer, and its workers are rightfully pissed, and also super tired. I really don’t feel bad, though, for that guy captured on TikTok smashing a slice of wedding cake into his new wife’s face with so much unjustified force. Maybe he’s also overcompensating for something.
Yes, M&Ms are in the news again. Yes, it’s once again because conservatives are freaking out. You may remember when, in an effort to promote diversity and inclusion, M&Ms parent company Mars updated the look and backstory of their infamous M&M characters. The green M&M lost her boots in favor of sneakers, which made Tucker Carlson steaming mad. Now, Mars announced its first ever all-female package (brown, purple, and green) and faux alpha-male conservatives are once again furious.
“Man-hating!” they yell. “Woke mob!” they whine. At this point it shouldn’t be surprising that these people will take any opportunity to rant and rave towards a camera with wide-eyed zealotry, but it shocks me every time. Let me take this opportunity to be crystal clear: I support the green M&M’s possible budding sapphic love! I support the brown M&M’s choice of chunky heel! I support the purple M&M’s girlbossery! I’m giving the new all-female M&M packaging a delicious, candy-coated, 4.8/5 delicious. —Sam Stone, staff writer
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Are the banking bros going to be okay? Hard to say. When Goldman Sachs employees returned to work in the new year, they were cruelly blindsided: Higher-ups had yoinked the company’s free coffee perk. According to The New York Post, those who’d waltzed up to the sun-drenched Sky Lobby for their regular morning brew were confronted with “a sign and a woman yelling at us that it was no longer complimentary.” And to think, they were already tweaking at rumors of impending layoffs.
In a lucky plot twist, a nearby pop-up by Cometeer Coffee, a coffee company selling frozen packets of concentrate, came to the rescue, offering free pods to the stony-faced workers. Employees were allegedly relieved to nab the fancy joe, describing the Goldman Sachs office vibes to Cometeer owner Britton O’Daly as “loud, chaotic,” and a place where “everyone looks sad.” I know coffee is an evil tool of capitalism, but still, I have zero time for this kind of performative frugality. How about leaving the coffee alone and maybe (*gasp*) slashing their $400k salaries? 2.7/5 distressing. —Ali Francis, staff writer
In what is certainly a bid to become the Most Bostonian Person of All Time—a title previously held by Paul Revere and JFK—Ben Affleck was recently spotted working the drive-thru at a Dunkin’ in Medford, Massachusetts. Affleck’s affection for New England’s hometown coffee megachain is hardly a secret, but this new reveal showed the co-writer of the wicked Massachusetts-y film Good Will Hunting on the other side of the counter of a Dunkin’ Donuts in the Boston suburb where this writer went to college. (How you like them apples?!)