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Elon Musk Cuts Twitter’s $400 (?!) Staff Lunches

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Elon Musk Cuts Twitter’s $400 (?!) Staff Lunches

Welcome to Delicious or Distressing, where we rate recent food memes, videos, and other decidedly unserious news. Last week, we questioned whether or not the 1975’s Matty Healy actually ate raw meat onstage at a concert.  

For every Elon Musk in this wretched world, there’s a Stanley Tucci to remind us that humanity might just be okay. In a week, Musk has made threadbare the very fabric of contemporary public discourse, allegedly nixing free lunches for his Twitter employees for good measure. Meanwhile, actor turned food documentarian Tucci celebrated his 62nd birthday with a cheese wheel birthday “cake” in immaculate Stanley Tucci fashion. Absolutely not one note. 

If Twitter implodes, at least we’ll have Reddit’s “Am I the Asshole?” musings to fill the shitposting hole—this week meditating on whether or not it’s permissible to modify a recipe—even if they’re in indiscernible long-form rather than a snappy 280 characters. Lastly, if any food item could possibly encapsulate in its very form the morose mood of this week, my money’s on the nihilistic, “flavorless” candy recently launched in Japan. Fitting! 

You’ve likely seen (or at least read about) the rapid dissolution of Twitter as we know it as Elon Musk takes the reins. Musk’s incessant tweeting, mass layoffs, radical changes to the platform, and public arguments with employees on Twitter have transformed the platform from the simmering dumpster fire it once was into a Sharknado-level disaster. One of the upsides, though, is that so much of Twitter’s internal dirty laundry has come to light—like the fact that the company pays $13 million per year on employee lunches. Because very few workers returned to the office, Musk tweeted, that number broke down to $400 per lunch served over the past 12 months. As seems to be par for the course these days, a now-former employee appeared to contradict Musk with hard numbers, but he insisted that costs were indeed as high as he said they were. 

What is the truth? Who can be sure. But it does fill me with glee to think of the corporate overlords at Twitter spending $400 per employee lunch. What could they be serving? Caviar? Truffles? Rare and exotic meats? Unfortunately, it’s more likely that they’re serving some kind of pseudoscientific wellness brew and an absurdly overpriced grain bowl. Maybe with his $13 million in savings, Elon can get two-factor authentication to work again? 2.5/5 distressing —Sam Stone, staff writer

Stanley Tucci celebrated his birthday by blowing out candles stuck into a wheel of cheese. It’s so brilliant I don’t need to explain why it’s brilliant—the phrase “birthday cheese wheel” is stunning and self-explanatory. So, instead of pretending I need to explain to you why we should all start taking the word cheesecake more literally, here’s a list of cheeses I’ll be considering for my upcoming birthday:

  • Parmesan, bonus points if it’s the same age as me
  • An oversized wheel of Brie, baked before your very eyes
  • A smoked Gouda, which is now a little smokier
  • A blob of burrata and I don’t care how messy it gets
  • Literally any cheese; I’m never eating funfetti again

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